Liquid ammunition

Flack jacket and protective gear...check.

Gun...check.

Ammo...check.

Map outlining area of operations...check.

Out there, it's an urban war. A guerrilla war. The kind of war where you just never know when you're going to get hit...

It's my first time in battle and I feel every bit the nervous, green soldier. My recon partner seems more relaxed, probably because she's been in-country before. We're camped in a green-zone right in the middle of the action, just outside the main walls of the old city. Our objectives are to survey the surrounding area, locate food supplies, and observe enemy movements.

I'm in a state of sensory overload. In the distance, I hear the shrieks of other soldiers in battle. It's hot. Sticky hot. My hands feel clammy. I can't help but flinch at every moving object, automatically steeling myself for an onslaught. I feverishly suck down a couple of litres of chlorinated, sodium-enriched water.

This war has been going on for years...an internal conflict that more and more foreign mercenaries are beginning to join, many simply for the thrill of adventure. Our intelligence reports that child soldiers, some as young as three years, are willfully participating. The enemy are camped in all directions, waiting for any opportunity to snipe unsuspecting newbies like me. I'm told the locals target your head and neck. Worse still, the foreign mercenaries, many of whom are outrageously high on a plethora of drugs, unforgivingly aim for the face.

Our orders are to move out. I step out into the fray.

I see thousands of enemy lining the streets, unafraid of opposing movements...seconds later I'm hit with an almighty salvo of liquid ammunition. I look around for my partner - she's been hit as well. We rush for cover, but they're everywhere.....


In the middle of April, there's no need to shower or wash your clothes in Chiang Mai. The locals (and many farang) kindly do it for you as you wear them walking down the street. The scene is called 'Songkran', a festival of pure aquatic pandemonium, where the Thai's celebrate the onset of their lunar new year.

Chiang Mai, roughly 700km north-east of Bangkok, is reputed to be Thailand's Songkran epicentre, as many Thais travel back to their home province for the holiday period, and many farang fill the hostels and hotels excited about being able to experience the world's biggest and longest water fight.

Back in the day, Chiang Mai was a key pit stop for traders traversing the Asian continent and beyond. The city was therefore also a hotspot for the good old frictional game of conquer and control. In the 11th century, a bloke by the name of King Mengrai built a square wall and moat around the city, in a bid to stop the city's arch-rivals, the Burmese mob, from getting in.

These days, the wall has pretty much been demolished by time, and temporary pumps provided by the government suck water out from the moats to now service a different fight.

Literally tens of thousands of people line the streets in Chiang Mai every day for four days during the festival. The roads close to the moat move at a snail's pace, with ute-loads of people liberally dispensing with barrels and barrels of water. Sort of like George St Sydney on a Saturay night, only with gallons and gallons of water. And less greasy hairdos.

Just about every kid - old and young - has a water pistol/cannon. The ones that don't, are likely swinging or jumping from trees into the dark grey moat water.

From a spiritual perspective, Thais celebrate Songkran by 'bathing' Buddha images; and the hands of monks and elders' are sprinkled with water (more on that later...).

Songkran for me was a wonderfully foreign experience. I couldn't help but think that something like it just wouldn't work in Australia, especially on a national scale...people would just get too agro, go over the top and the police would have to jump in, a la the Cronulla riots.

The people in Chiang Mai were dripping with joy and celebration...an amazing atmosphere to experience.

Here's a few more pics to demonstrate more of the craziness that is Thailand's yearly Songkran festival:

Ice was big on the streets of Chiang Mai. The locals would buy a block like this, dunk it into a huge barrel, fill the barrel with water, then splash or pour said water on your head. A good way to get over a hangover.

One of the most random experiences, there was a end-of-festival parade through the streets of Chiang Mai, finishing at the provincial Ambassador's residence. We ended up joining in with the beating drums, cymbals, singing and dancing. The lady next to me gave me my lei, as she was impressed with my pink singlet (a colour considered regally respectful in Thailand).

Big wet action from the back of the utes.

More action on the streets. Note the guy with the cannon at the bottom right.

Thousands of people lined the streets.

I'm not sure if this kid was scared of this guy because he was dressed like RoboCop, or because of the imminent soaking he was about to receive.

Fetching water from the moat.

A Thai holiday

Even the Thais like a touch of island paradise every now and then.

Clare and I, along with some friends of ours, decided to venture to Koh Samet for one of Thailand's squillion long weekends. Koh Samet is situated just off the south-eastern coastline 5.5hrs bus ride below Bangkok.

Thankfully, the island isn't (yet) bursting at the seams with English backpackers and seedy European pedophiles. It's where Thais (albeit relatively rich Thais) go for a family holiday.

The island is supposed to be protected by National and Marine Parks restrictions, however the lure of the tourist dollar seems to be Phi-Phi-ing the tourist spots on the island - accelerating development on the island at the expense of some of the island's natural areas.

But who am I to complain? I'm not Thai, and I'm the one that's paying with 'the tourist dollar'. I just hope the mistakes of the islands in the Andaman Sea aren't repeated in the Gulf of Thailand.

Koh Samet's coastline is beautiful, marine live still abundant, and has enough holiday amenities to keep you comfortable. (But no Pay TV Super 14 Rugby in the bars, as I emotionally found out...)

But by far the coolest thing about Koh Samet was the fresh seafood at prices that would make patrons at seaside RSL's back home choke on their battered fleck 'n chips.

Open-plan beachside bbq's greet you with an eye-popping array of seafood, including oysters, prawns, scallops, whole fish and lobster....usually accompanied by a simple chilli and lime sauce. From memory, I think I paid AUD$9 for two beers, a dozen scallops and a dozen large prawns!

After handpicking your dinner, you simply pull up a mat and low-sitting table on the beach (similar to the middle-eastern style), sink beers, eat and enjoy candlelight conversation.

Whilst the visibility was a little hazy, the snorkeling was still pretty good during the day. I was twice able to check out some excellent coral shelves, which boasted more fluro than a Sydney music festival. The sea life was also fantastic, with fish darting in and out of the coral corners. A great, quiet antidote to the intensity of Bangkok.

Clare and I charted a speed boat to get to the island - it was totally James Bond.

They even serve Koori noodle with tofu on Koh Samet. Ouch!

You've changed...

I heard a rumour the other day that the Australian Government is mooting an assistance package to Australian dairy farmers after milk consumption has strangely and rapidly decreased in the past month.

Very un-Rudd like, the word on the street's that Kevin is even calling for an inquiry into what people are now coining 'milkgate'.

Just kidding...

Since I left Australia, my milk consumption has decreased from an average 1-1.5L a day, to about 0.5L per week. Furthermore, good quality meat that isn't in bed with Mr E. Coli is also pretty hard to find in and around my Soi, so I have been eating a lot of vegetarian-based dishes.

And yet another slap in the face to my old Aussie dairy farming mates, I'm starting to drink soy milk. Oh God.

Fresh, cheap, pleasantly-flavoured milk seems to be hard to come by in Thailand. There's UHT and powder - which I don't mind - but after my stint in hospital, I seem to have reformed into a soy-drinking, vegetable-eating girly-man.

I need help.

Can someone please send a batch of bovine-related products to arrest this decline in self...at the very least, I'll need a few litres of milk and a basket of assorted cheeses (and some nice crackers!).

Getting to know the Thai health system

As some of you may know, I was hospitalised last week with a nasty form of gastroenteritis, which included a bouncing fever between 36 and 39.4 degrees; constant, quaintly artistic dihorrea & vomiting; mass inflammation of the gastrointestinal tract; and some general weightloss over the four days good enough for Australia's Biggest Loser.

The hospital itself is refuted to be the best in Thailand and it's facilities some of the best in the world. I have never known of a hospital where the nurses are so attentive.

Perhaps it was because, as I found out later, the nurses thought I "rook rike George Crooney". 'George Clooney'...come on! I don't look that old!!! At one stage there were 7 nurses in my room asking how I felt, how many times I had gone to the bathroom that past hour and whether there was anything else they could get me.

Either way, the nurses at the hospital were amazingly helpful and made a pretty revolting time much more bearable.

But the nurses at BNH were nowhere near as amazing as my own personal nurse, Clare...whether she was directing a Thai cab driver to the hospital, giving me cool wet washer baths to fight the fever, coming straight to the hospital to see me after a full day at work, or simply working with the doctors and nurses to work out what was wrong with me when I was too lucid from the cocktail of painkillers and antibiotics.

I spent four days and three nights there, taking in about 12L of fluids through a saline drip, a heap of painkillers and anti-inflammatory meds, and about 1.5L of a hardcore antibiotics. My gastro told me that when I came in my white blood cell count was 4.5 times that of a normal person...my guts certainly felt the wrath.

How am I now? Feeling tip-top and terrific.

Napoleon was right on the money when he said that "an army marches on its stomach". After 3 weeks of my guts feeling like they had constantly been pumped up, deflated, punched and prodded, being able to now eat and feel normally has made me feel so much more enthusiastic and confident about my place in this city.

Bring on the chilli.

** By the way, I'm not nude under the bedsheet.

A bit of a polish

Hotel Bell got a bit of a spruce up recently - it would be great to know what you guys reckon about the new layout, header and colours!

I'm practically Thai

Some exciting news - today I was able to:

• Say good afternoon to the couple who run my local rice shack
  
• Order two fried rice meals with chicken, vegetables and no (extra) chilli
• Negotiate the price for the meal
• Thank the cook and her offsider for the meal

....all in Thai!!!

Later I'll go down and say 'ardoi' - Thai for 'delicious'.

A seemingly small, but significant victory!

This is Bangkok

A few people have asked me what Bangkok is really like. To be honest, I've struggled with a bit of culture shock.

Not helping the matter, I've also had a bit of a rough trot with my guts, eating only five meals in the past five days, spending more time on the loo than in the back of a taxi exploring. As I expected, shifting oneself well away from the familiarities of home was always going to be hard...but I didn't anticipate it being this hard to comprehend.

There are so many things about this place that just give me the shits (in more ways than one):

• The constant film of sweat
• The warm wafts of faecal air rising from the sewers as you contemplate a cup of barbequed corn
• Seeing people laugh, but having no idea why
• Dog shit on the footpath being a reality, not a rarity
• A distinct lack of steak, fresh sandwiches, real milk and doritos
• The TV signal shutting off all the time, including when there was 2 minutes to go in a Brumbies match in the balance
• Electrical plugs and holes being of varying size
• Loud, louder, loudest
• Not being able to read the Thai instructions on how to operate the coin-operated washing machines
• My mobile being locked to Vodafone Australia because of the spanner-head in Crows Nest who sold me a locked phone when I paid extra for overseas freedom
• Not being able to explain that the deeply-Asian haircutting style manual my hairdresser had given me is not only 20 years out of date, but in no way indicative of my "No. 3 on the sides and a bit off the top, thanks"...or not being able to say even the most basic of things like “it’s a lovely day”, or “your mangos look delicious, how much?”
• The incessant, insistent tuk tuk driver and hawkers.

They all seem like small things, but when the sum of these (and more) parts add up, I feel like going absolutely mental. I'm also looking for a job at the moment, which is adding to the stress.

But you know what? Thailand isn't going to beat me.

So I'm trying to focus on the positives:

• Finding mirth in the fact that there are whole shopping isles devoted to bottled water
  
• Longnecks of the local Chang beer - better than VB, but not as good as Scharers...at AUD$1.30
  
• The nightclub disco/lounge where I felt like I should have been wearing a pair of tight white flares like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever
  
• The ska/punk/rock/reggae outfit that was playing their unique blend of everything from Metallica's 'The Unforgiven' and Green Day's 'Welcome to paradise' through to Europe's 'The final countdown' last night at a club (Willis, you would have loved it)
• Air-conditioned skytrains that not only run on time, but are fast and provide some solace from the heat
  
• The 50 Baht (AUD$2) cab rides home
• Being able to now greet people properly and count to 20
• My gorgeous girlfriend and the excitement of her first full-time job.

A quick story on my difficulties with the language...

Clare and I splurged one afternoon at a health spa, consisting of herbal teas, a foot scrub, and then an aromatherapy sauna, spa and 2hr full-body massage. At the end of the massage, the young girl wai'd (it's a type of bow, not a freaky form of water sport) and basically said in Thai, "Thank you very much".

Feeling as though Buddha himself had just finished massaging me into a hazy state of nirvana, I replied straight away, in Thai, "hello, nice to meet you".

Oops.

Then there was last night - I silenced a whole table of Thais in a restaurant after innocently pointing past them at a back wall. I found out that pointing with your index finger in Thailand is tantamount to sticking your middle finger up at someone in Australia. I also learned that you need to use your whole hand when demonstrating a direction.

All part of the life and learning process, I guess. I'll be sticking at it.

Surfing superstars

On the world's largest suspension bridge...

Clare and I had exhausted the natural tourism of KL, so we decided to go for somewhere a little more manufactured - Sunway Lagoon, reportedly the world's largest water park. It may have also been the world's largest collection of seedy Indian men leering at Clare and other women in their swimming costumes...

To get to Sunway, you need to catch a 25min cab out of town to this gigantuous shopping mall in the middle of nowhere.

Seriously, this place was massive. If there was ever a hell for a man being dragged by his girlfriend around the shops, this would be it. It's like a spiraled maze of fiery commercial torment.

Inside the shopping estate is the other bastion of devilish commerce and trade - Sunway Lagoon Theme park.

The main attraction of Sunway Lagoon for Clare and I was their man-made surf wave.

I was all limbered up and excited that morning, knowing that many of the sub-continental tourists we were to share the park with could barely swim, let alone surf. It was going to be a great day - we had a good chance of getting a nice long, unique surfing experience.

Oh, but one problem, the wave pool was closed to the public.

Shut the gates, put your cossies away, don't bother buying the wax...bloody closed....

Cerrado...被关闭...Chiuso...закрытый...閉じられます...

I was nonetheless pretty disappointed.

Clare had heard that there was a surfing demonstration on at noon, so we thought we'd go for a bit of a look anyway.

When we got there, we saw four lifeguards, of varying abilities on the board surfing for a gaggle of TV cameras, positioned across various parts of the lagoon.

TV3 Malaysia had set up shop for a live outside broadcast to the nation - similar to a 'Great Outdoors' style of broadcast.

Clare and I cheekily asked if we could have a surf, not thinking they'd say yes...until the producer gave the OK!!!! Yeah!

So we ended up getting the surf AND being the featured surfers on a live Malaysian national lifestyle program. Better give Quiksilver a call to arrange some sponsorship...

To be honest, that was probably the highlight of the day...the rest of the park was pretty lame, but there were many kids and women in their full hijab seeming to have fun on the slides.

This is a picture of the lagoon from the suspension bridge...note the massive hotels and shopping centre in the background.

Clare flying high on a hydraulic raptor ride.

Kuala Lumpur orchid garden

Time for installment three of 'KL by nature'.

The Kuala Lumpur orchid garden showcases more than 800 different species of common, rare and endangered orchids. A coral reef of the botanical world, Clare and I were amazed by their delicate structures and colours.

Did you know that:

• There are about four times as many orchid species than the combined total of all mammal and bird species.
• Vanilla used in cooking actually originates from a type of orchid

Mum - you would absolutely adore this place!
Libby - Does Alan know about this one? No doubt he would - we were thinking of how much he would have enjoyed it.
Everyone else - So you're not out of the loop, my Mum is an amazing gardener, with an encylopaedic knowledge and appreciation for all things floral. 'Alan' is Clare's uncle, who is an expert in orchids.

Here's some pics from our self-guided tour:

The tiered, covered (and refreshingly cool!!) orchid walkway into the garden...

We weren't sure if this one was transplanted onto the tree, or naturally occured. Any help from our experts??

A hibiscus from an adjoining garden...I couldn't help but dig the colour!

Heliconias and the pinkest of pink frangipanis. A first for both of us, we also saw bright fire-engine red frangipanis elsewhere in the city.

One of my favourite shots. Note the small spider on the inside of the front orchid (click the photo to see an enlarged version).

A morning in the butterfly park...

I'd like to say that our time in Kuala Lumpur was a crazed affair consisting of massive nights on the cans and strategically reducing our excess luggage costs by losing our pants during huge booze fests. However, Muslim values filter through to the government's alcohol taxation policies (colloquially known as the 'sin tax'), so even though the general purchasing power of Malaysian Ringget is about a third of the Aussie Dollar, the beers are strangely more expensive.

Even more shocking is that the schmiddy also seems to have formed some roots amongst the draft beer-drinking patronage of Malaysia. Sweet holy baby Jesus, prophet of Allah...what is the world coming to??

However, I digress...

Our time in KL would be better described as more of a hippy earth-loving/cultural affair, more likely to be suited to a retired couple from Northern NSW.

Our second installment of 'KL by nature' was at the local butterfly park...some of these creatures were simply amazing. With pangs of Joseph Banks, I felt like I was discovering a lost world of butterflies and amazing natural beauty (bar the 30MYR entry fee).

OK, so you my be getting over the pictures of the flora and fauna of Kuala Lumpur and surrounds, but its tropical environment has simply developed so many amazing lines of evolutionary success that one can't help but marvel at it's delicious beauty. Here's a few of our favourite snaps...

One of Clare and my favourites...we called it the 'Dalmatian butterfly'. It was about 12cm across and really stood out amongst all of the garden's colour.

This one matched Clare's outfit...

Clare receives a few 'butterfly kisses'...

Hot birds and monkeys on heat

In the centre of Kuala Lumpur is the world's largest covered bird park, which boasts an impressive 200 different species of birds from across the world. This time of year, KL is around 30C, so the walk around the park was quite a sweaty affair...

Some of the creatures there were amazing...they had quite an Australian contingent as well. Was funny to see tourists treat the humble cockatoo with such reverence, when the first thing that came to my mind was "I hope the bastards don't eat any of the passion fruits". I loved the Toucans and some of the smaller finches and budgies.

Native to Malaysia, the Great Hornbill is an imposingly majestic looking bird at around 1-2ft tall.

Check out the beautiful colours!

Little do they know that we eat these in Australia. Clare even had a couple of emu snags on Australia Day this year.

There were monkey's humping everywhere.

Some pink flamingos...

A peacock shows off...

Clare has a way with animals.

The guy at the front took a dump. We thought that was gross. Then they started eating it. Oh God.

Two hot birds.

Kuala Lumpur!

En route to Thailand, Clare and I decided to break the journey up and spend four days in and around Kuala Lumpur (KL).

Our first ever overseas trip, we got into KL at a time when even the sparrows don't bother getting out of bed. I think it was about 3:15am. 

The taxi driver taking us to our hotel was a good bloke, helping us with suggestions on what to do during our stay here, as well as running red lights at around 130km/hr. Helped make the trip nice and fast. 

The roads here are just brilliant...they've done some major upgrading, which has connected many of the mini cities (or 'jaya') surrounding KL (the airport is about a 45 minute drive from the city).

We got upgraded to a sweet suite in our hotel with the biggest bloody bed I have ever slept on...there weren't any non-smoking rooms left as we had requested...we also managed to negotiate a terrific view of the KL tower (more about that in a later post).

By the way, it's 5 star. Yep, doing it in style...it's quite plush - it sounds a bit la di da, but it was great to be able to walk straight out of your cab and to have someone take care of your luggage from car to crib.  And there's nothing quite like checking into your hotel at 4am!!

After a bit of a snooze, we went to the Malaysian national museum...a little bit remedial, however I enjoyed the colonial section, learning quite a bit about the Portuguese, Dutch, English and Japanese eras of occupation. It came across that each were pricks in their own right, with the Portuguese seeming to be quite an imposing bunch.

Also managed to have a delicious traditional Malaysian curry for lunch for around $4 AUD...came with a whole heap of sides and had a flavour that would make many Malay curry houses back home seem pretty weak.

My first impressions of the capital?

• Extremely friendly people
  
• A good public transport and road system
  
• Islam everywhere, from architecture, to the bellowing loudspeakers at prayer time
  
• Malaysian youth dress like their about to audition for Popstars.

Stay tuned - there's more to come on our Kuala Lumpur adventures...

Naiiiiii! Wireless!!!

Allllriiiight!!

Welcome to the world of wireless, baby. Willis would be proud - this post marks my first ever using a wireless connection!

So I'm sitting here in the Beach Hotel in Byron Bay, a little bit waxed and salty after a morning in the surf with Clare. There's a bit of chilled jazz playing in the background, I'm a third of the way through a schooner of XXXX Gold and there's a handful of people across the other side of the bar wondering who the two wankers are with their laptops open on the table.

There's also some old guy coughing like a madman behind me. I think he may have emphysema...or maybe he's choking on his fish burger after checking out some of the hotties with their surfboards wandering toward the beach.

My newfound wireless capability results from the purchase of a brand spanking new Apple MacBook.

It's hot. It rocks. It will hopefully let me glide through cyberspace using the underground, unsecure networks of Bangkok city, reporting back to those at home and abroad the random, mundane and plain insane of Bangkok and beyond.

Yeah!!

Surf's up!

I'm really digging my surfing at the moment.

For those that don't know, Clare and I decided in October last year that we'd learn how to surf over summer. I've loved every single minute of it...some may even remark that I am now a bit of a findick waxhead who holds a personal account in the greenroom.

I've managed to go from being pretty shit, only being able to stand up on 20% of small 1ft waves, to being OK, able to stand up on most waves up to 3ft, turn across the face both ways, and am getting more confidence jumping onto some of the bigger ones.

My parent's live just north of Coffs Harbour - it's absolutely awesome for the surf. I've managed to get out a few times since I've been up here, each time being as they say in the business, totally gnarley. The 'sea tractor' (my large, 8'2" plough of a mini-mal board) and I have had some good times together.

Being home means I can have a beach to surf all for myself, in pristine surrounds, without the worries of my surfing lines running into and dismembering small children on body boards, or some local giving me a steely 'piss off' look for entering his sacred wave zone (in truth, I've only ever gotten this at Queenie on Sydney's Northern Beaches).

Nearby Woologoolga Beach has to be my favourite (see picture above), with its nice long, even break...here's a few pictures from the last few days surfing around Coffs:

Beautiful day, beautiful surrounds...

Probably not close enough for this one, but I had a go anyway

Nice size for the Sea Tractor...

Finishing up after a two-hour session at Park Beach

Buggered...