This is Bangkok

A few people have asked me what Bangkok is really like. To be honest, I've struggled with a bit of culture shock.

Not helping the matter, I've also had a bit of a rough trot with my guts, eating only five meals in the past five days, spending more time on the loo than in the back of a taxi exploring. As I expected, shifting oneself well away from the familiarities of home was always going to be hard...but I didn't anticipate it being this hard to comprehend.

There are so many things about this place that just give me the shits (in more ways than one):

• The constant film of sweat
• The warm wafts of faecal air rising from the sewers as you contemplate a cup of barbequed corn
• Seeing people laugh, but having no idea why
• Dog shit on the footpath being a reality, not a rarity
• A distinct lack of steak, fresh sandwiches, real milk and doritos
• The TV signal shutting off all the time, including when there was 2 minutes to go in a Brumbies match in the balance
• Electrical plugs and holes being of varying size
• Loud, louder, loudest
• Not being able to read the Thai instructions on how to operate the coin-operated washing machines
• My mobile being locked to Vodafone Australia because of the spanner-head in Crows Nest who sold me a locked phone when I paid extra for overseas freedom
• Not being able to explain that the deeply-Asian haircutting style manual my hairdresser had given me is not only 20 years out of date, but in no way indicative of my "No. 3 on the sides and a bit off the top, thanks"...or not being able to say even the most basic of things like “it’s a lovely day”, or “your mangos look delicious, how much?”
• The incessant, insistent tuk tuk driver and hawkers.

They all seem like small things, but when the sum of these (and more) parts add up, I feel like going absolutely mental. I'm also looking for a job at the moment, which is adding to the stress.

But you know what? Thailand isn't going to beat me.

So I'm trying to focus on the positives:

• Finding mirth in the fact that there are whole shopping isles devoted to bottled water
  
• Longnecks of the local Chang beer - better than VB, but not as good as Scharers...at AUD$1.30
  
• The nightclub disco/lounge where I felt like I should have been wearing a pair of tight white flares like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever
  
• The ska/punk/rock/reggae outfit that was playing their unique blend of everything from Metallica's 'The Unforgiven' and Green Day's 'Welcome to paradise' through to Europe's 'The final countdown' last night at a club (Willis, you would have loved it)
• Air-conditioned skytrains that not only run on time, but are fast and provide some solace from the heat
  
• The 50 Baht (AUD$2) cab rides home
• Being able to now greet people properly and count to 20
• My gorgeous girlfriend and the excitement of her first full-time job.

A quick story on my difficulties with the language...

Clare and I splurged one afternoon at a health spa, consisting of herbal teas, a foot scrub, and then an aromatherapy sauna, spa and 2hr full-body massage. At the end of the massage, the young girl wai'd (it's a type of bow, not a freaky form of water sport) and basically said in Thai, "Thank you very much".

Feeling as though Buddha himself had just finished massaging me into a hazy state of nirvana, I replied straight away, in Thai, "hello, nice to meet you".

Oops.

Then there was last night - I silenced a whole table of Thais in a restaurant after innocently pointing past them at a back wall. I found out that pointing with your index finger in Thailand is tantamount to sticking your middle finger up at someone in Australia. I also learned that you need to use your whole hand when demonstrating a direction.

All part of the life and learning process, I guess. I'll be sticking at it.

Surfing superstars

On the world's largest suspension bridge...

Clare and I had exhausted the natural tourism of KL, so we decided to go for somewhere a little more manufactured - Sunway Lagoon, reportedly the world's largest water park. It may have also been the world's largest collection of seedy Indian men leering at Clare and other women in their swimming costumes...

To get to Sunway, you need to catch a 25min cab out of town to this gigantuous shopping mall in the middle of nowhere.

Seriously, this place was massive. If there was ever a hell for a man being dragged by his girlfriend around the shops, this would be it. It's like a spiraled maze of fiery commercial torment.

Inside the shopping estate is the other bastion of devilish commerce and trade - Sunway Lagoon Theme park.

The main attraction of Sunway Lagoon for Clare and I was their man-made surf wave.

I was all limbered up and excited that morning, knowing that many of the sub-continental tourists we were to share the park with could barely swim, let alone surf. It was going to be a great day - we had a good chance of getting a nice long, unique surfing experience.

Oh, but one problem, the wave pool was closed to the public.

Shut the gates, put your cossies away, don't bother buying the wax...bloody closed....

Cerrado...被关闭...Chiuso...закрытый...閉じられます...

I was nonetheless pretty disappointed.

Clare had heard that there was a surfing demonstration on at noon, so we thought we'd go for a bit of a look anyway.

When we got there, we saw four lifeguards, of varying abilities on the board surfing for a gaggle of TV cameras, positioned across various parts of the lagoon.

TV3 Malaysia had set up shop for a live outside broadcast to the nation - similar to a 'Great Outdoors' style of broadcast.

Clare and I cheekily asked if we could have a surf, not thinking they'd say yes...until the producer gave the OK!!!! Yeah!

So we ended up getting the surf AND being the featured surfers on a live Malaysian national lifestyle program. Better give Quiksilver a call to arrange some sponsorship...

To be honest, that was probably the highlight of the day...the rest of the park was pretty lame, but there were many kids and women in their full hijab seeming to have fun on the slides.

This is a picture of the lagoon from the suspension bridge...note the massive hotels and shopping centre in the background.

Clare flying high on a hydraulic raptor ride.

Kuala Lumpur orchid garden

Time for installment three of 'KL by nature'.

The Kuala Lumpur orchid garden showcases more than 800 different species of common, rare and endangered orchids. A coral reef of the botanical world, Clare and I were amazed by their delicate structures and colours.

Did you know that:

• There are about four times as many orchid species than the combined total of all mammal and bird species.
• Vanilla used in cooking actually originates from a type of orchid

Mum - you would absolutely adore this place!
Libby - Does Alan know about this one? No doubt he would - we were thinking of how much he would have enjoyed it.
Everyone else - So you're not out of the loop, my Mum is an amazing gardener, with an encylopaedic knowledge and appreciation for all things floral. 'Alan' is Clare's uncle, who is an expert in orchids.

Here's some pics from our self-guided tour:

The tiered, covered (and refreshingly cool!!) orchid walkway into the garden...

We weren't sure if this one was transplanted onto the tree, or naturally occured. Any help from our experts??

A hibiscus from an adjoining garden...I couldn't help but dig the colour!

Heliconias and the pinkest of pink frangipanis. A first for both of us, we also saw bright fire-engine red frangipanis elsewhere in the city.

One of my favourite shots. Note the small spider on the inside of the front orchid (click the photo to see an enlarged version).

A morning in the butterfly park...

I'd like to say that our time in Kuala Lumpur was a crazed affair consisting of massive nights on the cans and strategically reducing our excess luggage costs by losing our pants during huge booze fests. However, Muslim values filter through to the government's alcohol taxation policies (colloquially known as the 'sin tax'), so even though the general purchasing power of Malaysian Ringget is about a third of the Aussie Dollar, the beers are strangely more expensive.

Even more shocking is that the schmiddy also seems to have formed some roots amongst the draft beer-drinking patronage of Malaysia. Sweet holy baby Jesus, prophet of Allah...what is the world coming to??

However, I digress...

Our time in KL would be better described as more of a hippy earth-loving/cultural affair, more likely to be suited to a retired couple from Northern NSW.

Our second installment of 'KL by nature' was at the local butterfly park...some of these creatures were simply amazing. With pangs of Joseph Banks, I felt like I was discovering a lost world of butterflies and amazing natural beauty (bar the 30MYR entry fee).

OK, so you my be getting over the pictures of the flora and fauna of Kuala Lumpur and surrounds, but its tropical environment has simply developed so many amazing lines of evolutionary success that one can't help but marvel at it's delicious beauty. Here's a few of our favourite snaps...

One of Clare and my favourites...we called it the 'Dalmatian butterfly'. It was about 12cm across and really stood out amongst all of the garden's colour.

This one matched Clare's outfit...

Clare receives a few 'butterfly kisses'...

Hot birds and monkeys on heat

In the centre of Kuala Lumpur is the world's largest covered bird park, which boasts an impressive 200 different species of birds from across the world. This time of year, KL is around 30C, so the walk around the park was quite a sweaty affair...

Some of the creatures there were amazing...they had quite an Australian contingent as well. Was funny to see tourists treat the humble cockatoo with such reverence, when the first thing that came to my mind was "I hope the bastards don't eat any of the passion fruits". I loved the Toucans and some of the smaller finches and budgies.

Native to Malaysia, the Great Hornbill is an imposingly majestic looking bird at around 1-2ft tall.

Check out the beautiful colours!

Little do they know that we eat these in Australia. Clare even had a couple of emu snags on Australia Day this year.

There were monkey's humping everywhere.

Some pink flamingos...

A peacock shows off...

Clare has a way with animals.

The guy at the front took a dump. We thought that was gross. Then they started eating it. Oh God.

Two hot birds.

Kuala Lumpur!

En route to Thailand, Clare and I decided to break the journey up and spend four days in and around Kuala Lumpur (KL).

Our first ever overseas trip, we got into KL at a time when even the sparrows don't bother getting out of bed. I think it was about 3:15am. 

The taxi driver taking us to our hotel was a good bloke, helping us with suggestions on what to do during our stay here, as well as running red lights at around 130km/hr. Helped make the trip nice and fast. 

The roads here are just brilliant...they've done some major upgrading, which has connected many of the mini cities (or 'jaya') surrounding KL (the airport is about a 45 minute drive from the city).

We got upgraded to a sweet suite in our hotel with the biggest bloody bed I have ever slept on...there weren't any non-smoking rooms left as we had requested...we also managed to negotiate a terrific view of the KL tower (more about that in a later post).

By the way, it's 5 star. Yep, doing it in style...it's quite plush - it sounds a bit la di da, but it was great to be able to walk straight out of your cab and to have someone take care of your luggage from car to crib.  And there's nothing quite like checking into your hotel at 4am!!

After a bit of a snooze, we went to the Malaysian national museum...a little bit remedial, however I enjoyed the colonial section, learning quite a bit about the Portuguese, Dutch, English and Japanese eras of occupation. It came across that each were pricks in their own right, with the Portuguese seeming to be quite an imposing bunch.

Also managed to have a delicious traditional Malaysian curry for lunch for around $4 AUD...came with a whole heap of sides and had a flavour that would make many Malay curry houses back home seem pretty weak.

My first impressions of the capital?

• Extremely friendly people
  
• A good public transport and road system
  
• Islam everywhere, from architecture, to the bellowing loudspeakers at prayer time
  
• Malaysian youth dress like their about to audition for Popstars.

Stay tuned - there's more to come on our Kuala Lumpur adventures...

Naiiiiii! Wireless!!!

Allllriiiight!!

Welcome to the world of wireless, baby. Willis would be proud - this post marks my first ever using a wireless connection!

So I'm sitting here in the Beach Hotel in Byron Bay, a little bit waxed and salty after a morning in the surf with Clare. There's a bit of chilled jazz playing in the background, I'm a third of the way through a schooner of XXXX Gold and there's a handful of people across the other side of the bar wondering who the two wankers are with their laptops open on the table.

There's also some old guy coughing like a madman behind me. I think he may have emphysema...or maybe he's choking on his fish burger after checking out some of the hotties with their surfboards wandering toward the beach.

My newfound wireless capability results from the purchase of a brand spanking new Apple MacBook.

It's hot. It rocks. It will hopefully let me glide through cyberspace using the underground, unsecure networks of Bangkok city, reporting back to those at home and abroad the random, mundane and plain insane of Bangkok and beyond.

Yeah!!