Can not

Clare and I were mooting a possible conversation she will likely be having as she goes to her bank to try and establish an internet banking account:

“Hello, I’m wondering if I could please register here for internet banking. I have all the relevant documentation and…”

“What? You want to be able to access your bank account online? CAN NOT.”

“Why?”

“CAN NOT” *smile*

“But it says on your website…”

“CAN NOT” *smile*

“But you’re the second-largest bank in Asia, you must be able to…”

“CAN NOT” *smile*

“But I thought being a multi-continental bank, with branches across the world, you’d have the technology to…”

“CAN NOT” *smile*

“Can you give any reasons for why…”

“CAN NOT” *smile*

“…or at least point me in the right direction?”

“CAN NOT” *smile*