Sunny days, at Mike Bailey's trivia fundraiser

Mike Bailey and Senator John Faulkner give me the inside word on the best strip clubs to visit whilst in the US.

Willis and I went down to our local to take part in our first ever political party fundraiser. Mike Bailey - former ABC TV weather man, full-time amateur comedian, and now Labor candidate for the Federal seat of North Sydney - was having a bit of a trivia night.

I've blogged about Mike's race to Canberra before and with an election likely for late November, Mike needs all the support he can get (we're on a first name basis now by the way). There were a heap of people there - 38 tables in fact - a mixture of old stodgy Labor hardcores, and new-wave filthy socialist university arts students. And Willis & I. He's stodgy and I'm in the filthy socialist camp.

Willis and I settled into a few schooners, introducing ourselves to our table - a trivia master, a chemist, a man with anger-management problems, his wife, a super-intelligent woman who thought she was playing 'Fast Money' all night and her unassuming husband who secretly wanted to pants Ricky Ponting.

Highlights include:

• Anger-management constantly putting his wife and others in their place
• Anger-management's wife subsequently getting drunk to deal with her husband's shit
• Anger-management's comments to Willis and I that we needed to start pulling our weight
• Our Latin team name - 'Cogitamus', meaning "we are thinking"
• Our conversation with Senator John Faulkner after the proceedings - he used the words "bastards", "crooks", "criminals" and "the worst kinds of humans" when referring to the current government, then told us encouragingly to "keep up the struggle"
• Finding out that Mike Bailey's son is named Mike Bailey
• Willis adopting the pseudonym 'Ric Biggs', even if only for a short while
• Mid-week beers with Willis, after a particularly difficult day

Our table was extremely competitive, leading for most of the night, only to come second to Table 27 in the final round. At the height of the frustration, two members from my table staged a protest with Senator Faulkner over when the most recent King of England was crowned. Apparently he was announced King in 1936, but was crowned the following year...contentious stuff. Here's a video of the incident:



I've just sent off a friend request to Joe Hockey on Facebook, asking whether he'll be holding any fundraising evenings as part of his campaign. Willis and I will also be looking to attend an event from each of the different candidates for our electorate in the lead-up to the election.

The wonders of capitalist democracy!

Ready, steady...COOK! (Part 2)

Did you know that Clare and I went on Ready Steady Cook? See here for my post on it from March this year after we filmed the show.

Funny story by the way - I walked into The Hotel Hollywood a week after we were on air, after just 30secs, a random woman came up to me and asked: "Were you on Ready Steady Cook last week...with your wife???". I told her that it was mostly true, and that she's welcome for me to sign an autograph.

Without wishing to over-self promote, I do recognise that there are a fair few people abroad who missed the show. Below are a few edited sections...a few things to note:

• The host's propensity to touch me...for long......awkward...massagingly weird periods.
• My innate ability to talk absolute shit. The magic of TV.
• Clare's amazing talent for TV. She was terrific - and HOT! It was a shame her chef was so talkative...a lot of Clare didn't make the final cut.
• My sister Amelia in the crowd. A Milky Way for the first person to post where she is sitting.
• There's a little bit missing from the middle of the show...I'll try and get this up later.

And an extra special thanks must go out to Gerard - a good mate of mine who kindly recorded and rendered the show for Clare and I. Thanks mate - I owe you a rum.


Introducing Clare & Steve

The winning dish




Gerard's smokey flavour remix

Balancing the equation

OK, so I haven't blogged for a while. Reason? I've done the maths and come up with an equation to explain:

β(λ²) - TBT = μ

To balance the equation:

GH = β(λ) + TBT = MB

β: Belly
λ: Work commitment
TBT: TrashBag Times
μ: Boring, cranky bastard
GH: General happiness
MB: More blogging

OK, so Willis and Clare may be the only two with the mathematical background to understand. At least my short time with Mr Magdy Habib in 3-unit was worth something.

Get ready for an megablog...

Being green & pondering my mortality

Ever wondered how long you've got until fate makes you pull up stumps? I do.

With the green winds of change starting to blow even stronger in Australia, I thought I'd better also consider how a dirty capitalist like myself can actually make a few dollars to finance my hetero life partner's t-shirt addiction, whilst also being environmentally responsible.

Enter 'The Cadaver Calculator'. Not only does it provide a monetary value for how much you can sell your 'spare parts' for at the end of a day's play, but it can also provide you with the satisfaction that you're making the right steps toward true posthumous environmental sustainability.

Really, dying is just a bloody strain on the earth. Hopefully scientists will pull their algebraic heads out of their asses and develop some sort of inter-space jettison device to shoot people beyond the earth's atmosphere. We've battered the earth long enough.

Here's how I got on:

$4200.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth. From Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

How much are you worth? What would you do with the money?

Beautiful Ballina

Mum and Dad came to stay with Clare and I in the unit in Byron Bay for the weekend. On the Monday, we went for a bit of a drive through the back country of the Northern Rivers area, ending up in Ballina where Clare and I were due to fly out of.

Here's a quick couple of pics from beautiful Ballina:

Dad in front of the Big Prawn (thanks to Mum for the fabulous photo. x)

Surf's up, with a pod of dolphins frolicking off the coast.

A few of facts about Ballina:

• Circa 20,000 population
• Named after a town in Country Mayo (Ireland) by Irish red cedar timber cutters based in the area in the 1840's.
• Main current industries include tourism, fishing, sugar cane and macadamia nuts. Anecdotally, there is also a centralisation of aged care services beginning to crop up in Ballina to service the move of many retirees to the North Coast.

Where dreams are made...and then regurgitated

On day 2 of our little trip, Clare and I joined a few of her old mates from Lismore and visited Queensland's most dated theme park, Dreamworld.


The rides

Clare (right of centre) on The Claw. I declined a second invitation, as I was close to vomiting the first time.

The Claw fact: The 27 metre-high ride swings 240^o vertically, rotates 360^o horizontally, and travels at a gut-wrenching 75km/hr.

The Wipeout was gnarly, dude. Totally tubular. I'm sitting below the 'P' and Clare below the 'O'.

The Wipeout fact: The ride opened 14 years ago, costing $6 million.

Definitely my favourite of all the rides on the day (I'm a pansy), the Log Ride was a very wet affair. For those overseas, note the very Australian gum tree backdrop.

Log Ride fact: Riders scream down the shoot at over 50km/hr!

Incidentally, the last time I was at Dreamworld was when the Tower of Terror opened - 24 January, 1997. The ride was fantastic, but I think they need to do a bit of work around the edges...it's all looking a little shabby in the pre-ride theming.

Tower of Terror fact: Costing $16 million to build, the TOT accelerates to over 160km/hr in seven seconds and pulls 4.5G's.

We also went on the Cyclone and the Giant Drop. I nearly shat myself on the Giant Drop - check this link out for a Quicktime video demonstrating the height and speed of the ride. Below is also a video from YouTube which demonstrates the innate personal experience.

The animals

CRIKEY! Look at this little beauty!! The photo doesn't do it justice, but the croc pictured is bloody massive, with a body bigger than a horse and longer than a Datson 180B.



I reckon if I was locked up in Dreamworld for life, I'd probably lose all of my inhibitions as well.


The verdict

A fun day. Advice for those thinking of going:

Take a picnic...go in the summer when school's in to take advantage of the water slides...try not to wonder if the maintenance of the rides is given the same importance of the general cleanliness of the park...go on the log ride, three times.

Away to Byron Bay

Back in February, I bought Clare and myself a couple of tickets to Byron to spend a long weekend away - after a massive few months at work, the break was well appreciated and gave me the chance to have a bit of a think about where things are at.

I have had a lot of trouble in writing this post, as I've found it hard not to post a squillion photos of the beauty that is the North Coast. Here's a few of my favourites from Byron Bay:

Some shweetie I met on the lookout above The Pass near Watego's.

It's hard not to be mesmerised by the rhythm of the many surfers in and around Byron Bay. What a lifestyle! In the background is the sharp peak Mount Warning - Clare and I climbed it on our last visit to the area...it's the first place on the Australian mainland that sees the sunrise!!

More surfers, framed by some of the gorgeous flora found in the area.

Sunrise at The Pass.

A morning walk on the beach.

Its calm and quietness numbed me into a sense of tranquility - my toes felt very much the same walking through the icy morning sand.

This one's for Angus. Note the texture.

Poll result: Emo's

The results from last week's poll are in:

Approximately 75% of respondents undoubtedly agreed that emo's should be slapped by a designated sub-set of the Australian Federal Police.

With a Federal election just around the corner, this could prove to be a real ace in the pack for whichever political party decides to jump onto this tide of public opinion...

Go go go! (Bag)

Be alert, but not alarmed people - some hot news in Sydney today.

Sydney's Lord Mayor, Clover Moore, has joined forces with the Federal Attorney-General's department to launch a new campaign creatively named, "Lets Get Ready Sydney".

As part of the plan, the campaign will today release 200,000 booklets which advise what to do in the event of a terrorist attack or natural disaster.

One of their suggestions is for people to prepare a 'Go-Bag'...essentially something you can grab on the run if you're confronted by a group of pissed off Decepticons or a five-story high carnivorous dinosaur.

What has Clover and her good mate Phil Ruddock suggested people pack?

Hat Toilet paper AM/FM Radio Sunblock Torch Spare batteries

Spare keys Notepad and pen Runners Water Disposable gloves Adhesive tape

But I think they may be forgetting a few items:

• Ipod - nothing can go wrong when you've got Jack Johnson ticking along
• A copy of Nostradmus' Les Propheties - a bit like a movie preview
• Lamb sandwich - you'll get hungry whilst running away from aforementioned carnivorous ancient reptile
• 100mL bottle of Ultra-sensitive Day Moisturising Lotion by Jurlique - even in a catastrophic, possibly life-ending event, it's essential you maintain a radiant complexion
• MacGyver - he can get you out of anything
• A few beers - to drink whilst MacGyver does his shit
• Some doritos - to eat whilst you're drinking the beers
• A spare pair of undies - just do it

What would you put in your 'Go-Bag'??

The Poll

Hi all
Blogger has just put up a new feature - the poll. This is a very cool addition - I've been looking for a decent polling widget now for some time, but they all seem to come with a "we'll send you ridiculous amounts of pop-up ads and generally give you a friendly kick in the nuts if you sign up", clause.

So this week's poll is:

Should emo's be slapped by a designated sub-set of the Australian Federal Police?

You don't need to enter in your email address to vote, just click the box and press the button.

Peace!

Belly.

Never fear, Batman and Love Goddess are here...

BAM!

GAD!

SMACK!

POW!

BOOM!

FIST!

As long as these two crime-fighting machines still walk the streets, Sydney will be safe from terrorism.

Mobilise people!

As you can see, the petition to have the schmiddy outed from Australian bars is going well. --->

Al Gore didn't mention it in his address to the world in the recent Live Earth concerts, but even he reckons that the schmiddy should be banned from Australian bars.

He may or may not have also said that even if eradication means utilising the power of nuclear weapons to achieving the goal, he's prepared to support the move.

Mobilise people...sign the petition for the good of our nation.

Blame it on the schmiddy

Don't blame it on the sunshine

Don't blame it on the moonlight

Don't blame it on the good times

Blame it on the schmiddy...

Ladies and gentlemen,

The time has come to make a stand. I am petitioning the Federal Government to have the schmiddy banned from all Australian hotels. Please follow this link to show your support in eradicating what is arguably one of Australia's greatest threats to national security. See below for further detail (from the petition):


Schmiddy: (Eastern Australia) A beer glass of volume less than a schooner, but more than a middy - ultimately at a very 'un-Australian' price.

The scourge of the schmiddy has gone on for too long. It has begun to infiltrate humble watering holes across the Australia, as publicans realise the potential gains of selling less beer at equivalent prices to a ‘caught in the headlights’ beer-drinking patronage.

Native to Sydney, but starting to mobilise in other metropolitan and regional centres, the schmiddy has no right to embrace the fabled amber fluid that for generations has produced comical occurrences such as “last Saturday night” or (insert end-of-season footie trip moment here).

There are also reports that the schmiddy was responsible for the recent Pasha Bulker disaster.

Question: What held the “big cold beer” that quenched the hard-earned thirst in that nation-defining 1980’s VB advertisement? Not the schmiddy.

Question: What did Prime Minister Bob Hawke drink out of when he became Prime Minister in March, 1983. I can tell you, it wasn’t a bloody schmiddy.

Question: And what usually feels warm, you line up longer for, gives atrocious head and leaves your back pocket much lighter than when you walked in? The evil, sinister schmiddy, derived from the demonic depths of hell.

Aussies, ex-pats and international beer lovers alike – strap on your boots, throw on your singo and lobby the Australian Government in a united front against something which has the potential to dissolve the very fabric of our nationhood.

It’d be un-Australian not to.

Do it.

The ice epidemic

"Ice has become a menace in our society, tearing apart many Australian families and communities"
- Prime Minister John Howard

"Enough is enough, we must act before ice gets totally out of control as it can be purchased for $50"
- Federal Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd

"I enjoy it"
- President of the United States of America George W. Bush

I have a confession. Last night, I tried ice. It was shocking...I nearly went numb. I found myself falling over constantly. And even worse, there were 6 year-olds all around me on ice as well. Horrible. What is society coming to?

Actually, Edwina thought it would be ace to go ice skating at Moore Park yesterday evening to celebrate her birthday which falls this Thursday.

It was a lesson in retardation. A bonus though was the lolly bags (as promised!) that Ween's managed to produce. Here's a few more pics:

Ween's straps her birthday boots on.

Tim & Kendall or Torvill & Dean??

Watch out Emelio Estevez...

Transformers vs Pasha Bulker

Here's two major events that are happening in Australia at the moment:

1. The Transformers movie will be launched this Thursday. Yeah! I'm thinking of going perhaps later this weekend or early next week - will give you a full report after.

2. There has been a bloody great big oil tanker - The 'Pasher Bulker' - stranded off Nobby's Beach (just north of Newcastle) now for around three weeks. There are reports that, with a rise in the tides, they will be able to move it tonight. See here for a bit of extra detail from news.com.au's recent media coverage.

How are these two related? Well, I just saw a solution to the problem as outlined in point #2, utilising the ingenuity of point #1. See below:



(Thanks to my old man and Mr Wirris who drew my attention to this video)

The fashion queen turns 25

It was my beautiful older sister Cass' (above) birthday yesterday. In order to celebrate her turning 25, my family and I decided to turn back the photo album of time and review four of her greatest outfits.

Cass' birthday circa June 1999 @ home. Appropriate attire for a mid-winter birthday morning.

Something strange happened during the 2000 Olympic Games - my sisters decided to wear their underpants in an external manner. Note Cass' ribbon "Go For Gold AUSTRALIA".

I was summoned by Gianni Versace in the spring of 1986 for a photo shoot for his new kids short-shorts and fatty top range. Cass stole the show with her well-crafted immaculate and angelic 4 year-old look. I lost my modelling contract. Bitch.

England, July 1988. After spending 2 years on the European modelling circuit, Cass had most definitely mastered a broad range of poses. Note the velure jacket, oversized heals, polka-dot pants and Mickey Mouse T. Pure fashion genius.

Happy birthday sis - hope it was a cracker of a day. Looking forward to seeing pics of your true-blue Aussie BBQ (in Ireland). xx

It's all fun and games

It's been quite an active few month. Here's a few pics:

Phil Waugh, Al Baxter and myself sing the national anthem in front of le Eiffel Tower. Emotional stuff.

Wales vs. Australia @ Telstra Stadium, May 26th. Australia wins the game 29-23 in the final few seconds of the game, after Stephen Hoiles scores a try in the corner right in front of Willis & I. Thanks to Weens for the free tickets!

A depressed trio of Welsh supporters lament the fact that their team came within only a few seconds of beating the Wallabies at home for the first time since 1969. Willis celebrates.

We then went to GC's for a celebrationary feed. Angus - Julie Lo Mo said to say hi and that she wants her Burberry skirt back.

Sunday afternoon golf - the 6th hole on Cammeray Golf Course, May 27th. For anyone who knows anything about golf, my stance is absolutely shithouse, which is probably why I nearly killed a pair of Asian golfing enthusiasts with a stray ball on the previous hole.


The Swans at the SCG, June 2nd. I had the pleasure of accompanying Ms. Karla L. Paff to the very salubrious Trustees Box, where the beer, wine and pretzels flowed. That's ex-Australian Test bowler Geoff Lawson sitting in front of us. The Swans lost 73-74 due to two very contentious umpiring decisions.


Falcon St North Sydney, June 3rd, circa 2am. We all went out to Oxford St after the Swans, then Willis and I caught the bus home. This is a picture of me chasing after my wallet which I conveniently left on my seat. Being the well-oiled athletic machine, I was able to chase down the bus and retrieve said wallet. Yeah!


June 6th, Casino de la Wright (AKA the Wright's place in Huntley's Point). Poker and ribs night with the boys. This is a picture of Willis, just before he was about to go all in (alllllriiiight!).

Appropriate attire

Sorry I haven't blogged for a while.

Note to self: Don't go shopping at coles wearing black business pants, a white shirt and no tie. I was accosted by a fellow shopper last night for not knowing which isle he could find a rubber hot water bottle in.

Pick the Transformer

Let's play a game:

Below is a list of pharmaceutical medications currently available in Australia - mixed in are the names of the Autobots (good guys) and Decepticons (bad guys) featuring in the upcoming Transformers movie.

Let's see if you can pick which ones are which. Apologies for anyone who doesn't dig the Transformers.

Allegron Pegatron Ironhide Crestor Lipitor Jazz Onkotrone Optimus Prime Blackout Anandron Dextran Bumblebee Xyloproct Efexor

Microgynon Megatron Femtran Magnevist Nexium Octagam Starscream Diamicron Barricade Probitor Xalatan Exelon Megace

Excuse me, but has anyone seen this girl?? (4)

Celebrations across the world today, as my sister Amelia has finally surfaced from her alcohol-fueled European sight-seeing adventure.

I received this update email from her a short time ago:



From: "Amelia"
To: "Steve"
Subject: i have been found
Date: Wed, 06 Jun 2007 23:15:31 +1000

Yo bro

I have been seen throughout many places in Europe...the last few days I've been seen wondering around Florence with another young lass that I met on the tour. I'm staying in Florence until Saturday then I fly out for the Greek islands on Sunday. I'm there for two weeks, staying at a Contiki Mykonos resort, then I'm going back to Ireland to spend some more time with [our sister] Cass.

I spoke to Mum and Dad the other day when I was at Luton airport. It was 2am...Shaz (the girl im travelling with) and I were staying there overnight to save money because we were flying out for Rome at 7am the next morning.

Great news about Clare!!! Awesome to hear that she is going to be so close. Tell her I'm very happy for her and hope all goes well with her new job!!!

Not much time left on the net but I have some spare time this week so I will be able to send you a longer email in the next couple of days!!!

Speak soon Love Amelia xoxoxoxoxox ciao from italy!!!


Ahhhhhh...I can breathe easy now - she's safe, well and in very good spirits!

Who needs LSD when you've got the new 2012 London Olympics branding??

There's only one place in the world where the colours of cerise and blue belong...

I am shocked AND awed this evening. A bunker-buster of a branding campaign has just come right down my chimney and exploded with eclectic voracity.

Have the advertising creatives behind the London 2012 Olympics branding gone COMPLETELY bananas? Have they been watching too many re-runs of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or other fluro 80's sitcoms?? Will the Australian uniform for 2012 include happy pants???

If you haven't seen the new branding over the last few days, see the promotional video below:



Just a couple of things for the agency behind this outrageously epileptic episode:

• When branding the Olympics, why the bloody hell didn't you use the traditional Olympic colours?
• You won't engage young people with a graffiti-like dog's breakfast...these days young people want smooth designs - like Nokia phones, Apple's iPod and Notebook, the Airbus A380, a BMW or Maybelline lipstick. I wonder what those 50+ members of society are thinking...

This is yet another poignant example of why it's imperative that advertising people need to be led by those angelic media saviours - PR professionals. If advertisers could drag themselves away from those bars and boozy client lunches and actually do some bloody work, we PR people wouldn't have to mop up the remnants of a shoddy rush-job that clearly won't see a result past the mockery of the wider world. (Just jokes)

I'd love to hear all of your thoughts - especially all of my great mates over in London...your observations on the local reaction, your professional opinions of the branding etc. Angus?

Australians bonking because of a burgeoning back pocket

The Australian tabloids are going nuts today, with an Australian Bureau of Statistics announcement that the number of births registered in the quarter to December 2006 was the highest Australia has recorded since the very swinging, 1971.

Federal Treasurer Peter Costello is claiming the increase as a result of his government's tight economic policy. From news.com.au:

"The improvement in the number of births reflects a confidence in Australia's future, and a greater sense of economic security for families"

I must agree - the treasurer is spot on when attributing the Australian Government's strong fiscal policy to a higher birth rate. There's nothing that turns a bloke on more than reading about the GDP contribution of the mining and industrial sectors, or the effects that the centralisation of Australian assets is having on foreign investments.

I wonder if he'll also be claiming credit for the fact that 2006 saw more people dying than in any other year, probably resulting directly from the monotonic economic rhetoric he carried on with last year...

The ABS release also reported that Australia's population reached 20,852,000 at 31 December 2006. Exciting times, as we move toward the big 21-million. Stay tuned - I'll let you know as soon as we hit it, scheduled toward the end of the month.

Woman, 24, gets job

News just in:

My shweetie of a girlfriend has just accepted a job as a residential assistant at a local Sydney boarding school, Abbotsleigh. Why is this so damned awesome?

NO MORE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! Yeah!

Clare will be situated approximately 18.15km from my place. A mere Sunday stroll, compared to a frustrating 205.26km we've endured over the past while.

Excuse me, but has anyone seen this girl?? (3)

The search goes on.

This photo came through this morning from an anonymous source*. Apparently Amelia was recently seen with this woman, who strangely resembles our sister...







* I may have recieved it in an email this morning from my mother

Excuse me, but has anyone seen this girl?? (2)

No leads as yet.

I thought I was onto a winner when I saw this article from earlier today on BBC Online about a wild young chick popping up in Ireland. Sadly, no love.

To give the search a little extra kick, it has been suggested (thanks Steven and Mum!) that a better quality photo be posted up to help aid this search of all searches.


As you may be able to tell from my Dad's killer mo, this photo may have been taken around 15 years ago after a St Monica's Primary blue light disco. Sorry guys. It's the next best photo I can scrounge. ;-)